From Inflexible, to Certainty, to Comfortable in Uncertainty...

It has been a little while since I wrote here on the blog, and 2012 is already almost two weeks old.  I have had so much to think about over the last while, and reflect on how much has changed and will no doubt continue to change in my life.  If there is one thing I have noticed about myself though, it has been the journey from being absolutely inflexible, to an arrogant certainty, to a now much more peaceful uncertainty.  I'll try and explain.

For many years of my young adult life, especially since my conversion to Christ in 1992, I was what I would describe as rigid in my "inflexibility."  I was in a manner of speaking convinced that I was right!  I was right about everything religious anyway. It didn't matter how much evidence could be brought forward from any source that did and should have challenged my narrow mindedness, I refused to be moved by it.  In looking back, although I would assert my so-called knowledge of "the Truth" endlessly, I don't think that seeking out truth was as important to me as holding and defending my own position at all costs.  It was ultimately a folly of turning inward, a subjective attitude rooted in my desire to be "right," and a fear of being wrong.  My faith and religion was in reality a house of cards of my own making and I desperately did not want anyone to shake the table and bring it all down.  There was no talking to me at all...

From there I saw myself as having moved into what I thought was a much healthier  place of "certainty."  Thus began my initial years as a catholic christian.  In this case, I think my attitude was more outward looking, at least I believed it was.  I was "certain" that the catholic church held all the answers I was so anxious to have.  Here was the truth, nothing else needed to be said nor could be said.  I had weighed the evidence, Or so I thought, and was convinced.  It wasn't arrogance, but humility before the truth.  Right?  Wasn't it?  Slowly though, over time,  I began to ask myself the very difficult questions that persons struggling along the spiritual journey have to ask themselves.  Turns out that I wasn't so certain, and in fact I didn't find the peace I longed for in my imaginary "certainty."

Nowadays, I am  finding myself comfortable with "uncertainty."  I know that sounds strange, at least to me it does.  It is becoming more and more apparent to me how little control I actually have over my own life and existence.  So many things that I simply cannot control.  Do I fight against them, or do I receive them as gift?  I have embraced the reality that God is Mystery. I believe that it is entirely unreasonable to think that the ultimate reality could be the object of my knowledge, but it is entirely exciting and amazing to conceive that God is and should be the cause of our wonder and awe.  I used to think that I could lay out the kingdom of God for other people.  Even convert them!  How am I supposed to do that when I cannot even lay out the kingdom of God for myself?  I am coming to appreciate that my experience of God may not at all be your experience, and my answers may not be your answers.  What I hope we could all do though is share our experience of God with one another, and help each other to ask more and deeper questions.

 My spiritual struggle now is not to overcome you, and change you, but to overcome only myself.  The real demons are in our own hearts, and self-conquest should be our daily struggle in the spiritual life.  There is only one end in sight, one goal, to become the very love of God himself. Not to become more loving, or more charitable, but to become love itself, transformed from the inside out.  Then, to give oneself to God and others without reserve.  I am finding this a much more peaceful and non-violent approach to faith and practice....